No Happiness Through Anger

Even in the case of individuals, there is no possibility to feel happiness through anger. If in a difficult situation one becomes disturbed internally, overwhelmed by mental discomfort, then external things will not help at all. However, if despite external difficulties or problems, internally one’s attitude is of love, warmth, and kindheartedness, then problems can be faced and accepted.

  — His Holiness the Dalai Lama

From The Pocket Dalai Lama, edited by Mary Craig, 2002. Shambhala Publications, Boston.

[Addendum: I posted this with some personal commentary on the Belief Net BBS and it generated a lot of discussion. Check it out!]

Anger Management Does NOT Mean Not Getting Angry!

Every so often, I get a student in anger management class who is concerned or “resistant” because they think anger management class is about getting rid of anger. It's kind of fun watching the understanding on their faces as they realize that they can manage their anger and still feel angry.

Anger management classes teach skills in managing anger—not the hidden secret to getting rid of anger. Anger is part of what makes us human. Handled skillfully, it can teach us about who we are, what we need, and what's wrong in our lives. Anger management can point the way to changing situations so that we get our needs fulfilled and have stronger relationships.

Handled in the “normal” way—by acting aggressive or dominant, by having a violent outburst, by passive-aggressive sabotage, or by submissive resentment—anger only hurts us and those around us.

But of course this is seen as “normal.” We live in a society addicted to anger, addicted to playing dominance games, where the most aggressive “wins” and the rest fight back surreptitiously. I strongly believe that this is not a function of human nature, but of human nurture—or rather, the lack of nurturance.

The social systems of western civilization are founded on hierarchy and domination. Not only our political systems, but our economic system as well. The “Golden Rule” has become the Rule of Gold: “He who has the gold, makes the rules.” In this election year, we get to flex our democracy—yet even political campaigns are filled with the attempt to dominate, with angry words and accusations.

We have grown up in a world where nobody has ever taught us how to handle our anger properly. We grow up seeing anger used as a tool of power-over. Anger management teaches us skills of using anger as a power-within and with emotional intelligence and communication skills, allows us to build power-with others. The power to change.

When I teach anger management, it is a revolutionary act. This is my non-violent challenge to the status quo. I empower people to know themselves, to know their anger, and to know how to use their anger healthfully, to use their anger to grow, to connect with others, and to build stronger partnerships and teams. This is a revolutionary act, a rebellion against the hierarchical paradigm that teaches us to use anger to dominate others, whether openly through aggression or covertly through resentment and passive-aggressive sabotage.

¡Viva la revolución!

Anger Logging

I've spent a lot of hours in the last week working on the curriculum for an online anger management class. One of the ideas that kept popping up was:

We do not become angry because of what people do or what happens to us—we become angry by thinking angry thoughts about what people do and about what happens to us.

One of the tools to get a handle on this is the anger log. An anger log can be quite simple:

1. The date.


2. A brief, three line description of the event that triggered our anger. Writing much more than three lines causes one to focus on the situation, on the other person, and to actually become more invested in their anger.


3. Beliefs: What were the beliefs and judgments that led to anger?


4. Feelings: What feelings were you having? Duh! This is an anger log! “What the !#%$&! do you think I was feeling?” It's helpful to name the flavor of anger here—anger, rage, annoyance, irritation, etc. Doing this helps to expand your emotional vocabulary and become more aware of your spectrum of anger responses. It develops stronger emotional intelligence. Also, I find it helpful to rate the anger level from 1 to 10, where 0 is not at all angry and 10 is readiness to dismember somebody. Finally, since anger is a secondary emotion, list any primary emotions that led up to the anger, such as frustration, sadness, hurt, fear, etc.


5. Actions: What did you do? With time and experience, this should provide an affirmation of how you're applying anger management techniques.


6. Dispute: Dispute the beliefs and judgments you listed above. Even though your beliefs might be “correct,” they still led you into anger. See if you can find another set of beliefs that keep you from judging. Reframe the situation. Try to find another viewpoint, perhaps even that of the other person. Doing this will help build up your capacity for empathy, a crucial element of emotional intelligence, and a vital key to anger management.

The other night a student read his anger log in class. It was a powerful and moving experience sharing his process. He found the disputation process very powerful, as did the entire class. We all learned from his experience—we all grew.

Often, especially on the road, I simply do the beliefs and dispute in my head. I'm finding out more and more that the beliefs that lead me to anger are frequently quite childish: I want what I want when I want it! By noticing my self-centered childishness, I get the opportunity to reparent that child inside me, and to act more mature. I also get to avoid getting angry.